What to say to a co-worker who seems to be struggling, and what not to say

If you are wondering what to say to a coworker who is struggling, start simple: name what you have noticed, ask how they are, then listen more than you talk. You do not need to fix anything or have the right answer. This guide gives you words to use, words to avoid, and what to do if you are worried about their safety.

Most people hold back because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing. The Canadian Centre for Occupational Health and Safety (CCOHS) names that fear directly, and says a simple “Are you okay?” is “a great place to start.” It adds that “you don’t need to be a therapist to show compassion and empathy.” Opening and holding that conversation is what our Responder training for all staff practises.

Pick the moment before you pick the words

Where and how you say it matters as much as what you say. The CCOHS fact sheet on having courageous conversations gives practical tips:

• Choose your timing. CCOHS advises being observant about whether it is a good time to speak or better to wait. A quiet moment away from the crew beats the middle of a shift change.
• Give them your full attention. Do not answer calls or read email while you talk.
• Keep your body language calm. Sit or stand at a right angle to the person rather than directly in front of them, and give them enough space.
• Get on their level. If they are sitting, do not stand over them.

What to say to a coworker who is struggling: opening lines

Open with what you have seen or heard, not with a guess about what is wrong. Keep it short and kind. These openers come from the 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline’s guide to talking with someone you are worried about:

• “Are you doing ok?”
• “I’ve noticed you haven’t been yourself recently.”
• “I’m worried about you.”
• “I care about you and I want to help.”

Make it specific if you can: “You’ve been quiet on breaks this week. Are you doing ok?” Point to something you actually noticed, not to their personality. If you are not sure what counts as a sign, see our guide to signs a co-worker may be struggling.

If they say “I’m fine”

Accept it, and leave the door open: “Okay. If that changes, I’m around.” CCOHS notes that these conversations “may not be successful the first time,” and that continued follow-up builds trust. They now know someone noticed.

If you can’t talk in person

On different shifts or sites, a text is better than silence. Build it from the same phrases: “I’ve noticed you haven’t been yourself recently. I’m here to listen if you want to talk.” Keep it short and low-pressure. For anything serious, follow up with a call or face to face.

While they talk: listen, don’t fix

Once someone starts to open up, your job is to listen. The 9-8-8 guide puts it plainly: “Often, it’s not about trying to find solutions, just being a listening ear.” CCOHS adds: do not interrupt with unsolicited advice or criticism, acknowledge the person’s feelings, and once you think you understand, repeat it back so they know you heard them.

Short phrases help keep them talking. From the 9-8-8 list:

• “Tell me more about that.”
• “That’s a lot to carry.”
• “It seems like you are going through a lot.”
• “I hear you.”
• “You are not alone.”

Silence is fine. Let a pause sit.

What not to say, and what to say instead

Most unhelpful lines are well meant. They shrink the problem, rush to a fix, or turn the talk away from the person.

• “It could be worse” or “Others have it harder.” The 9-8-8 guide says not to minimize what someone is going through: “Even if it doesn’t seem like a lot to you, it might feel unbearable for them.” Try: “Thank you for telling me. That sounds hard.”
• “Cheer up” or “Just think positive.” The 9-8-8 guide asks you to validate the person’s feelings instead. Try: “I see that you are in a lot of pain. I’m here to listen.”
• “I know exactly how you feel.” Turning to your own story takes the space away from them. The 9-8-8 guide says to give the person space to share their feelings. Try: “Tell me more about that.”
• “Calm down.” CCOHS says to stay calm and gently calm the other person, but not to yell “calm down!” In our view, even said quietly it can sound dismissive. Try: “Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
• “You don’t seem depressed” or any guess at a diagnosis. You are a co-worker, not a clinician. Stick to what you have seen and how they say they feel.
• “I won’t tell anyone, no matter what.” Do not promise total secrecy. Try: “This stays between us, unless I’m worried about your safety. Then I’d need to get you help.”

Before you part: agree on one next step

You are not trying to solve their problem in one talk. Aim for one small, concrete step they agree to. Ask what has helped before. Mention supports they can use. CCOHS lists talking to a supervisor, human resources or a health and safety representative, and the Employee Assistance Program if your workplace has one. Then say when you will check in again, and do it. Our guide to following up without overstepping covers that part.

Look after yourself too. Supporting someone can be heavy. The 9-8-8 helpline says that if you are supporting someone who is struggling, “you don’t have to do it on your own,” and you can contact them any time for advice.

If you are worried about their safety

If something they say makes you worry they may be thinking about suicide, ask them directly. The 9-8-8 page for people worried about someone else says it is “always better to ask” if you think someone is struggling, and that they may be relieved you brought it up. Our guide on how to ask a co-worker about suicide walks through it. Use plain words: the 9-8-8 suicide-safe language guide suggests saying someone is “thinking about suicide” rather than calling them “suicidal.”

If you are their supervisor

A supervisor’s words carry more weight and can touch on workload, accommodation and privacy. See what supervisors should and shouldn’t say to a struggling employee.

Reading this is a start; practice makes it stick

Knowing the words is not the same as saying them when a co-worker’s eyes fill up. Bedrock Minds teaches this through the 4C Pathway: Check, Connect, Care and Close the loop. On the in-person practical day, small groups rehearse realistic workplace scenes with trained facilitators and actors. Skills drills cover opening the conversation, listening without fixing and asking about suicide directly.

This article is general information, not legal advice.

Sources

• CCOHS, Mental Health: Having Courageous Conversations
• 9-8-8: Suicide Crisis Helpline, Talk to someone you are worried about
• 9-8-8: Suicide Crisis Helpline, I’m worried about someone else
• 9-8-8: Suicide Crisis Helpline, Suicide-safe language